Archive for May, 2012

Land Of Make Beleive

How do I read when you speak of me?
Frolicking in meadows, drinking from my melodic streams?
This is how I long for you to envision me in your dreams

Thoughts and feelings hid deep in your chest
Is it so deep and repressed that I am forced to guess?

Forced to tell my heart and body these make believe stories
Making myself believe that you’ve given me all your glory
All your love and emotion you have shown thee

I awaken to discover the reality
You’re unable to even write poetry
About me
To explain to me
Expressions that you can express freely

No midday thoughts
No hidden lullabies’
Just morning salutations
And nightly goodbye’s

No thoughtful gifts
Or a sporadic kiss
Or a lustful stare at my hips and lips
That could possibly send your mind on a wondrous trip

No words that rhyme
For me to read to pass away my time
Deaming me your dime
Frequently lamenting “remember that one time?”

And no photo stills to replay in your mind
To hold in your pocket, like I do mine
To show off to friends talking bout “man ain’t she fine?”

This is what I see when I discover reality
Your inability to cleave to me passionately
To love me intensely

So I close my eyes and play pretend
Pretend that I am your air and you are my wind

In this state of mind I chose to deceive
That you and I are in the land of make believe


Well today is May 29th 2012. I haven’t weighed myself today and I don’t have an updated pic but I do have a updated state of mind. A lot has been going on for the past few weeks. Financial stresses, family stresses and everything else stresses, But I am proud of myself for sticking to eating right and not only that exercising. Actually with prayer, meditation and working out I think that is what has helped me make it through.

I do notice that my close are getting loser BUT the scale still says the same number. Discouraging? A little BUT I know that with exercise comes muscle and as we all have heard muscle weighs more than fat. So with the weight that is still there I KNOW FOR A FACT that it is just muscle.

I can’t say that I am in the best of moods today but as far as physically? I am there. I did a 45 minute workout this morning and I’m feeling GREAT! My plan for when I leave work today? Workout again. And for this week I’m trying not to eat carbs. Why extreme this week you ask. Well June 1-3, 2012 I will be attending the convention of Jehovah’s Witnesses and as always I like to look my best. I have a skirt that I bought and it’s a little tight. I don’t wanna come off as a….uuuummmm…how do I say this…HOOCH so therefore I want to look modest. It’s a little snug right now, well since the last time i put it on which was last week. So hopefully from then to the end of this week things have changed. I’ll let you know how that goes and may even post a pic of how that turned out. IF it at all turned out LOL.

Well that’s that, O tonight I will  be trying a new recipe, well it’s kind of an old recipe. It’s a light lasagna but WITHOUT the pasta! i will be replacing the pasta with zuchinni!! Never tried it but I’m excited to see how it turns out. Well gotta go!

I Am Not You

I am not you

Not even a reflection of what you amount to

I’ve only become what I’ve went through

What I’ve lived through

Dealing with you

I am not you

Not even a hint of who you are

I’ve surpassed who you’ve become thus far

Shining ever so bright, not as dark as your heart that’s coated with tar

Natural affection?

To me you are unreal

Just returning the favor from not hearing from you in years

Not feeling from you in years!!

Reviving my own life

I can’t let this break me down

I can’t let your actions mold me

Just cause you ain’t been around

NO I am not you!

I am nothing like your cold heartedness

Not even a second glance?

Hmm! Then I’m not giving a second chance

No I am not you!

Even though my eyes and nose and lips are you physical reflection!

I refuse to believe you were a part of my conception

No I am not you I am my own reflection

It touched my heart just to see

How much you say “You don’t understand, he really cares about me”

When he fills you up with words that you long for

You say “he’s like a father I never had”

Yet he pimps you like a whore

You want to be normal, that’s what you think as you close your eyes

That’s what you think when he kisses you on your neck

And slowly eases his way in between your thighs

Nowhere else to go,

At least that’s what he got you to believe

Since day one it’s been a magic show with him

But I promise you he got more tricks up his sleeve

You just wanna be loved my darling

But I’m afraid you haven’t learned what true love is

He wants you to do anything for him

Even lay down with his “friends”

Then psyche your mind and tell you

“if you do it for free, then why can’t you do it for money”

You close you eyes and then you cry as you allow him to sale your honey

Innocence sold, top dolla on the track

He got your mind so washed

All you can do is get money, as your dreams are sold you think

“I can never get my life back”

He sits in his nice car and eats his finest cuisine

While you’re fed that funny candy with a side of broken dreams

I wanna just save you and bring you into these arms

But I’m afraid he will only con you again with his slick words and master charm

Back into his trap only for him to easily beat you and

To just throw you by the way side

Yet you still want to go back after he practically left you their to die

It’s hard to break free

It’s hard to let go of “the life”

It’s hard to let go of a man you call “daddy” despite the fact

That he puts you out on that street at night

America, America “the land of the free”

Free to whom I ask

Is it free to the young girl who is forced to make a living on her knee’s?

Is it free to the mother who searches every night for her 12 yr old princess?

No help from “Big Brother” just sits behind his woodened desk

“I’m sorry ma’am there’s nothing we can do” as tears turn to blood

It’s not just her heart that’s aching; it’s all of her insides,

 and her tears turn to a flood

Where does it end?

When can these girls get their life back?

When can they stop being treated like criminals and be treated like victims

It’s self esteem that they lack!

Their beaten and drugged up and told never to stray away

Yet when they get caught up, they are sentenced to jail for 30 or more days

Young little women who believe this is the way it should be for them

Not realizing they are worth more than a $20 trick

They are TRUE GEMS!!!

Give you the best of me

Stand by your side when ain’t nobody else trying to be

Trying to be you rock, your strong hold

Trying not to let the madness from this world turn you into it’s mold

Yet you treat me O so cold

As if I ignore the needs that your mind needs for

As if I ignore the things that your body feigns for

Treating me as though I’m one of these nigga’s on the street

Treating me as though I have been the one that’s been trying to keep

you off your feet

Typical situation though cause they say we hurt the ones we love the most

when this world has put us through it

So maybe I need to back up cause obviously right now I just don’t seem to fit

Despite the face that I place all my hope and trust in the things you try to achieve

People sometimes wonder “Why don’t you just leave?”

Leave for what though? Only to run back into your arms

Run back to the man that consistently causes my heart and soul harm

This is a blinded love that we both share

Or a one-sided love that keeps me in denial because my mind can not bear

It can’t bare the reality of this possible one-sided relationship

It can’t bare the trueality of your heartfelt resentment.

I’m Staying Motivated

Hello world, although this is not officially my very first day of my journey towards weight loss this IS after all my very first day blogging. My starting weight? 174.5. My weight as of last week? 171 on the nose and my weight as of today 173.5. Am I losing this weight loss battle, HARDLY!! I’m actually losing rather well to be honest. Even though the “scale” is saying I gained, that is all muscle. Cause guess what my clothes tell a different story. I’ve been trying to lose weight for bout 6-7 yrs. Ever since the birth of my youngest. Who obviously is 6 going on 7 in september. I’ll be 30 in July and I feel like now is a very crucial time for me to get myself together physically. No more fatty McFATFAT and no more being winded. My family on both sides suffer from obesity, high blood pressure, diabetes and anything else associated with being overweight. I’m not trying to go down that road. So this round I’m going all the way. I’m so tired of yo-yoing. As I’m sure most are. But you know what I’m trying to keep myself motivated. I’m putting it all out there so that I can keep myself accountable. I want to be at LEAST halfway there by November. Actually I want to be all the way there by that time. November is significant because I’ll be in a wedding and I’m refuse to walk down that aisle looking a hot mess. I think you catch my drift. LOL sImageo anyway hereImage is what I’m looking like now.

Yes it’s safe to say that I look a hot mess. But it’s all good though cause all that is about to CHANGE guaranteed. Best believe!!!! I hope you follow my journey


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